Thursday, June 28, 2012

I'm Twice the Man I Used to Be

I'm more than a gaijin, so much more.

When I came to Japan, I was just shy of 6ft tall, fit and 180lbs.  One of my first students, a doctor, said he was concerned, because I was "fat".  Then, what with the different foods, and the fact that we tended to drink our dinners (beer and whiskey vending machines on every corner, remember?), I dropped 10lbs in the first 3 months.  My student the doctor said he was worried about me, I was too thin.  Can't friggin' win with this guy...

Boy, if he could see me now...

That is to say, I'm fat.  I used to be built like William Shatner in the original "Star Trek"; now I'm built like William Shatner in "Boston Legal".  I super-sized myself.  Sumo, minus the muscle...  I'm still just shy of 6' tall, though.

No excuses.  I've been lazy, haven't eaten well (or have eaten too well).  My wife popped out 4 kids and lost the baby weight every time.  I didn't.  Gotta tell you, I would have gladly tried breastfeeding if it would have helped.

Other than the obvious health and aesthetic issues of being overweight, you'd be surprised at some of the things that arise.  I said arise, not rise, Dirty Mind, and not that thing, either, thank you very much.

1)  Good fucking luck finding clothes.  I had real problems finding XXL shirts and jackets before (4L in Japanese size).  Now?  Forget it!

2)  I've known some really good doctors here.  My wife's father was the best doctor I've ever known (not trying to stay out of the doghouse here, he really was).  But I went to this quack nearby after her father retired, suffering from breathing problems while we were renovating the kids' rooms, and he ignored everything I said and dismissed me with a quick "It's because you're fat".  Two weeks later we finished the renovations, and even as I painted the walls my breathing went back to normal.  Turns out I've developed a severe allergy to the cedar wood used in my home's frame, and was having an extreme asthma attack.

3)  My doctor now is helping me try to lose some major weight, and keeps saying "Stop eating hamburgers.  Eat Japanese." I want to scream, "How do you think I got this way?  Eating Japanese!"  I must be Jeffrey friggin' Dahmer, I've eaten so many Japanese.  What is this, the Donner Diet?

Oh...   so much Japanese...

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