Friday, July 30, 2010

Do you have 4 seasons? and other stupid questions.

Ah, yes, now we come to the art of asking questions of foreigners. We've all been there; you're introduced to someone from another country and can't think what to say. Do they have the same likes/dislikes as you? Are there any cultural taboos on what you can ask? "So, Mr. OompaLoompa, how many wives do you have?" "Ms. PowerPuff, do you like David Hasselhoff?" "Mr. Frahnkensteen, is your schwannstucker really the 'sweet mystery of life'?" Soon, you're reduced to telling the person how much you like the food from their country, or talking about your one visit to their country 20 years ago, and how much you enjoyed it (even I, who you'd think would know better by now, did the last two - last month!).

But some of the questions I've been asked here are asked again and again... and again. I swear, I think it's the first thing they teach in junior high school mandatory English classes: "My name is ____.", followed by "Can you use chopsticks?"

So, on to a few questions, followed by the answers I want to give.

Do you have four seasons?
A1. No, I come from a planet with 2 suns, and we have 5.
A2. Yes, and I carry them around in my back pocket. See these little singers?

Can you use chopsticks?
A. Yes, I can. Can you use a fork?

Do you like Japanese food?
A. No, I hate it. I came here because of my sado-masochistic tendencies. Hit me!

Do you have a gun?
A1. Yep, in muh back pocky. And I'm'a thinkin' a' usin' it now.
A2. We had 5 back home, and walked around the mountains shooting stuff all the time. Hell, I even nearly got myself arrested (truth is the best lie of all).

Have you ever killed anyone?
A1. Chopped off any heads lately?
A2. Thinking about it right now.
A3. Well, why do you think I'm here? Hoping to get a new one for my collection!

Do you know Obama (William Hurt, Chuck Norris, Leonardo DiCaprio, other randomly selected celebrity)?
A. Yep, we all know each other. Didn't you know that?

and my personal favorite:

What do you think of Japanese girls?
A1. Mmmm-mm! Delish!
A2. They all feel the same in the dark!

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